


Spiders (Probably Actually Do) Get Drunk

by larrystylickson



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Drunk Antics, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, aunt may gives him one, first time getting drunk, fluff?, humor?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 23:12:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14555625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrystylickson/pseuds/larrystylickson
Summary: If Peter was being honest, he had never really thought about drinking. Not that it didn’t happen around him, it’s not like he had never been to a party, and he lived in New York City for Christ’s sake. Alcohol was a thing, obviously.Peter just never thought of it as his thing. Peter’s thing was Spiderman. And hanging out with Ned. And really old but somehow still amazing movies. Peter’s thing was going out to eat with his Aunt May, and scholastic decathlon. Peter had a lot of things, and he never really felt like he needed more things. He was perfectly happy the way things were.But the thing was...this party sucked.ORPeter Parker makes bad decisions, but he has friends and family who take care of him anyways.





	Spiders (Probably Actually Do) Get Drunk

Peter wasn’t entirely sure how he and Ned ended up with invitations to Flash’s 16th birthday party, although he thought it must have something to do with MJ. Everybody knew she had been looking for a reason to kick Flash off of the decathlon team, and knowing MJ, leaving someone from the team off of the list might count as bullying. Might. If she was already pissed off enough. 

It’s safe to say she was, because Peter and Ned’s phones both buzzed in fifth period study hall with Facebook notifications. 

Flash Thompson has added you to the event “Flash’s 16th Rager”.

Peter didn’t really want to go in the first place, which is exactly what he told Ned. 

“Why not? I haven’t been to a party in forever.” Ned whined.

“It’s not like Flash actually wants us there. And I don’t exactly want to celebrate him.” Peter argued. 

“Maybe, but what else would we be doing?” Ned asked.

“I’ve got loads of stuff to do, and should probably be patrolling anyways.” Peter said.

“That’s just unfair.” Ned crossed his arms.

“What is unfair about me doing my job?” Peter was starting to get irritated. Not that it was Ned’s fault, but why would Peter ever go to the house of his least favourite person? 

Plus, he really did have stuff to do.

“You get to go out every night and do all this awesome superhero stuff, and I’m stuck at home doing absolutely nothing.” Ned said.

Oh.

Peter guessed that was kind of a valid point.

“I’m not out all night,” Peter started at his lap. “Ever since May found out about- you know, I have curfew on weeknights.”

“So do the rest of us, Peter.” 

“I guess.” Peter shrugged. He looked up and Ned and smiled. “I guess taking one night off won’t hurt. Plus we might be able to break something and blame it on the drunken masses.”

Ned grinned.

\--

“May?” Peter yelled as he climbed through his window that night. 

“You’re late, Peter.” May yelled back.

“Sorry.” Peter said back, once he made it to the kitchen. “There was this guy who looked like he was going to take advantage of a drunk lady, and I had to take her home.”

“The guy just let you go off with her?” Aunt May asked, interested.

“You’d be surprised what people let you do when you have superpowers and a mask.” Peter shrugged, sitting down in front of a bowl of cold stir-fry.

“Well I’m glad I’ve raised my little feminist to respect women.” May said, ruffling her nephew's hair. “And because you have a valid excuse, we can both pretend you’re not half an hour late.”

“Sounds good to me.” Mumbled Peterm mouth full of rice.

“Oh!” Peter said, in the middle of another heaping mouthful. “I’mgonoutumurro!”

May sighed. 

“Maybe I didn’t raise you so well. Finish your food, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.” 

“Oops.” Peter swallowed. “I said I’m going out tomorrow.”

“Oh.” said May. “Like, out-out? Not just patrolling?”

“Yeah, at Flash’s house.”

“Flash Thompson?” May asked, alarmed. 

“Yeah.” Peter said, hoping she would just let it go.

“Why in the world would you be going to Flash Thompson’s house?”

“Because…..it’s his birthday?” Peter tried.

“Peter, you and Flash have hated each other since kindergarten.” Aunt May reasoned. 

“Yeah.” Said Peter. “But everyone on the decathlon team was invited, and Ned really wants to go, so I said I would too. I’m sure it’ll be fine, he invited like 200 people anyways.”

“Okay.” Said May, sounding uneasy. “But call me if anything goes wrong, and I’ll come pick you up right away.”

“I think I can take care of myself.” Said Peter, boldly.

Usually a remark like that would get Peter at least a glare, but this time May just chuckled.

“I know,” she said. “I just like to pretend you still need me.” She kissed Peter’s forehead. “I’m going to bed. Put that bowl in the dishwasher when you’re done, okay?” May asked, disappearing down the hallway. 

Peter couldn’t stop thinking about how melancholic the whole thing sounded.

\--

If Peter was being honest, he had never really thought about drinking. Not that it didn’t happen around him, it’s not like he had never been to a party, and he lived in New York City for Christ’s sake. Alcohol was a thing, obviously.

Peter just never thought of it as his thing. Peter’s thing was Spiderman. And hanging out with Ned. And really old but somehow still amazing movies. Peter’s thing was going out to eat with his Aunt May, and scholastic decathlon. Peter had a lot of things, and he never really felt like he needed more things. He was perfectly happy the way things were.

But the thing was...this party sucked. Or, at least it felt like it did. Peter certainly wasn’t having the best time. Ned had gone off somewhere forever ago, and Peter had been alone on some random couch for what felt like hours. There were a lot of people around, and they all seemed to be enjoying themselves. Everybody seemed to be laughing, or dancing, or making out in corners. 

A couple who seemed to somehow be doing all three sat down next to Peter, and as they got uncomfortably closer, Peter figured it was time to get up.

Damn. He didn’t know where to find another couch. 

Trying to shove himself through the masses of people, Peter managed to bump into the very last person he wanted to see. 

“Hey!” Slurred Flash, who was obviously already drunk. “It’s Penis Parker!” He was shouting very close to Peter’s face. When you have enhanced senses, that’s not very pleasant. “You made it, man!” 

Flash was entirely too happy to see him. 

“Hi, Flash.” Peter shuffled awkwardly. “Happy Birthday. Have you seen Ned?” 

Peter was trying really hard to not be awkwardly sober. 

It probably wasn’t working. 

“Nah, sorry Penis.” Flash giggled at his own lame nickname. 

Peter started to walk off, but Flash caught him on the arm before he could get anywhere.

“C’mon man, we need a fourth for beer pong. So you’re gonna play.” Flash smiled, but there was something in his eyes. Not exactly evil (Peter knew what evil looked like), just...malicious.

“No,” Peter said. “I- uh, I don’t think you want me to play.” 

Flash tightened his grip. 

“Penis,” he slurred. “It’s my birthday, and on my birthday I get to beat Penis Parker. At something. So we’re playing beer pong, and I get to beat you. “Okay, Penis?”

Man, he loved that nickname. And although Peter didn’t particularly want to play, he wasn’t certain there was anywhere else to go in this house. Or at least anywhere that wasn’t occupied with people groping one another.

“Okay, Flash.” Peter sighed. “Lead me to it.”

It’s not like alcohol would even affect him that much. Or at least, Peter didn’t think it would. 

He was Spiderman. 

Spiders don’t get drunk.

\--

 

Okay, so maybe spiders get a little bit tipsy. Peter was two cups in, and he was definitely feeling...something.

It didn’t really seem all that bad though. If anything he just felt more relaxed. In all honesty, the drinks seemed to make it harder to lose. Of course Peter could get a stupid ball in a stupid cup, but Flash didn’t know that. As far as anyone at this party knew, Peter was just, well, Peter. He had to put all his energy into letting Flash have his cake and eat it too.

“Ohhhhh!!” Flash yelled. “Drink up, Parker!”

Peter downed his third cup.

Beer doesn’t taste very good.

\--

Peter wants more beer. Or maybe vodka. He’d gagged on it the first time, but it seemed to work really well. Or something.

Parties were a lot more fun when you were drunk.

Peter should tell Ned about this, but he couldn’t find him. He wasn’t exactly sure where he was, really, but the people in this room were being really nice.

“Peter?” asked some guy.

“Yeah?” Peter asked, trying to remember the guys name. Did he have a class with him?

“Do you, like, actually know Spiderman? Or was Ned lying?”

“Oh.” Said Peter. He looked straight ahead. “I know him.” Peter tried to say, casually. Maybe it would be better if people didn’t think Peter knew him, but he wasn’t going to call his best friend a liar.

“Really, dude? You don’t sound so sure.” 

“No, no, I promise! He’s like...he’s really cool. Way cooler than, like....Captain America or that shrinking guy. Probably not as cool as Thor though.” 

Peter was kind of bummed he still hadn’t met Thor.

All the people around Peter were laughing about something, but he couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Hey Peter?” asked a girl Peter wasn’t sure he knew. “You want the rest of this Fireball?”

Peter absolutely did.

\--

Now Peter had to find Ned. He had just seen Flash making out with Betty! Or maybe they were doing more than making out, but Peter wasn't really all that certain. Either way, Ned should probably know. 

The only problem was how big Flash’s house was. How did he not get lost in here? Peter had been to the Avengers compound three times now, and Flash’s house almost felt bigger. 

Almost.

Peter was asking everyone he could find if they had seen Ned anywhere. Most people asked Peter “which Ned?”, which is ridiculous because everybody knows that Ned its Peter’s best friend. 

Once Peter started asking if they had seen his Ned, the responses came a lot faster. 

He was sure MJ would know where Ned was.

\--

“Jesus, Peter. How much have you had to drink?” MJ looked kind of like she was judging him, but Peter was pretty sure MJ was judging him almost all of the time anyways. This wasn't that different.

“I don’t know.” Peter grinned. “I thought you were going to help me find Ned.”

“You smell.” She responded, guiding Peter down the hall by his shoulder. 

“Hey! This is the kitchen. I was here before.” Peter said.

“Great.” MJ grumbled. “Don’t move.”

Peter was kind of offended that MJ had to tell Peter not to move. He wasn’t a little kid. He was a superhero! 

Maybe MJ didn’t know that, but maybe she should be nice anyways.

“Here.” MJ trust another red cup towards Peter. “Drink.”

“Michelle, I thought you wanted me to be less drunk.” Peter rolled his eyes. 

“It’s water, loser.” She sighed. “Just drink it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“If I drink water, I need to pee. Then I’ll pee all the alcohol out and I won’t be drunk anymore.”

“If you weren’t so good at physics I would kick you off the team right now for how wrong that was.” MJ pulled Peter’s fingers around the cup. “Now drink it. I’ll go look for Ned.”

Peter did so, begrudgingly. He didn’t even know why he was listening to MJ. She wasn’t his aunt. Or Mr. Stark. 

Despite that, Peter really didn’t want to disappoint her. 

A few minutes later, MJ returned, followed by a very alarmed looking Ned. Peter quickly downed the rest of his water.

“Look! MJ! I finished it! Now you don’t have to kick me off the team.” Peter laughed. It seemed kind of funny. MJ would never actually kick him off the team.

“Uh, Hi Peter.” Ned said.

“Ned! I can’t believe you’ve been gone all night. So much has happened. Did you see Flash making out with Betty?”

“Ew.” MJ and Ned said, giving each other a look that Peter couldn’t quite read.

“I guess I’ve got it from here.” Ned said, not looking at Peter, Peter duly noted. “Thanks for babysitting.”

“It was fine.” MJ said. “I’m never going to let him live this down, anyways.” 

Just as mysteriously as she came, MJ disappeared into the crowd.

“Okay, can you walk?” Ned asked.

“I’m drunk, not impaired.”

“Those are kind of synonyms, Peter.”

“Ned, I’m a superhero. I can walk on walls.”

Ned threw his hand over Peter’s mouth. 

“Shut uppp, Peter.” Ned said in a sing-songy voice. 

It made Peter laugh.

“I think we should go.” Ned said.

“Okay.” Hummed Peter. “What did you do tonight?”

\--

Peter did not want to go inside his apartment. 

“May is gonna yell at me. Can I stay at yours?”

“Uh, no. I’m sorry, but you smell like a dumpster. Plus my parents would shoot me.”

Peter just kind of.

Stood there.

“I’m not leaving until you go inside.” Ned said, impatiently. 

“Perfect. Then we can both sit here all night.” Peter slid down the hallway wall.

“Look, Peter you’ve obviously sobered up. Just go in.” 

“I’m such an idiot.”

“Yeah.”

“Hey!”

Ned smiled.

“You’re my idiot, superhero best friend though.”

“Thanks.” Peter said, though he wasn’t feeling that thankful at that moment. 

“Peter. You’re Spiderman. You’ve faced the Vulture. I’m pretty sure you can face the wrath of Aunt May.” Ned said, looking his best friend in the eyes.

“Yeah.” Said Peter, standing up. “Thanks, Ned. You’re the best guy in the chair a guy could ask for.”

Peter opened the door, preparing for whatever may await him.

As it turns out, May was already asleep.

\--

Peter woke up to the worst headache he had ever had in his entire life.

“Hi, Pete.” May said, sounding equally delighted and terrifying.

“Good Morning?” Peter tried to say, though it came out as a question.

“Did you have a good night?” May was grimacing as she stared down at her nephew.

“Oh...um…it was….fun?”

“I’ll bet honey, because you smell like a liquor store.”

Peter’s face fell. He didn’t know what to say. 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, turning red.

“I don’t even know what to say to you right now, Peter. Just...just go take a shower.

So he did.

\--

Peter didn’t know how he could possibly produce so much vomit, but somehow the entire bathroom floor was covered in it. May came rushing in.

“Peter, honey? What’s wrong?”

Weak and shaking, Peter looked up to meet his aunt’s eyes.

“Oh Baby,” she sighed, leaning down to wipe the vomit off of her nephews face. “Okay. Okay, go to the living room and lie down. I’ll clean up.”

“No.” Peter protested, embarrassed. “No, you don’t have to. I’ll clean up.”

“Peter.” May warned.

And so he went.

\--

Peter woke up with his head in his aunt’s lap. She was combing her hands through his hair. It felt...nice. She hadn’t done this in years. 

“Are you awake?” She whispered.

Peter nodded. He didn’t think his throat could take any talking.

“I’m so sorry you got sick, honey. But now you know why you’re not supposed to drink that much. Not even if you’re a superhero.”

“I’m sorry.” Peter got out, voice raspy. “Are you mad?

“I’m furious, Pete. I just know that right now, you don’t need me yelling at you. And honestly, I don’t really feel like doing it.”

“Okay.” Peter felt relieved.

“We will talk about this later, though. You’re not getting off scot free. I’ll probably contact Tony as well, you should get some blood work done, at least.”

Peter sat up.

“Blood work?” He asked. “Why?”

“We don’t know what alcohol could do to you, Peter. Honestly, I’m mostly upset that you would put yourself in a situation where you could be in immense danger.”

Peter laughed.

“May, I do that all the time.”

“This is different. Super strength can’t protect you from being poisoned.”

“Oh.” 

There was a silence.

“I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have done anything without thinking about the consequences.” Peter said, staring at his lap. 

May pulled him in for a hug.

“It’s okay. I’ll forgive you. Tomorrow. I’m just happy to know my kid still needs me.”


End file.
